Axel the Comedian
by KaraRapist113
Summary: Axel, in his boredom, has decided to become a comedian. But the rest of the Organization XIII members may not appreciate that idea very much before it's over with...


**Author's Note:** I didn't realize I never posted this here..I let Xemmy post it on his DeviantArt account, but oh well. I was having a good night when I first got interested in Kingdom Hearts, and this is part of the result to that. If I'm not mistaken, this was one of the first KH stories I ever did, so they're probably out of character (I'm betting Xem's life on it::Snickers at the outraged cry of "HEY WAIT A MINUTE!"::,) so give me some leeway. I went back through and edited it a little bit from how it appears on dA to try to spiff it up a little. All that aside, let's get on with the story.

* * *

"Well our so-called almighty leader depends heavily on his Depends, Marluxia lives off of his hair spray, nail polish, perfume, and Home & Gardening magazines, Xigbar's weapon happy (hell seeing a gun gets the guy up faster than Sora gets off on Riku's replica in that dark Riku suit,) Xaldin's a wind bag, Zexion's too emo...This organization is the shits and giggles crack team." Axel stated into the microphone, chuckling to himself as the crowd laughed wildly. 

"I resent that remark!" object Marluxia from the back, growling as he shook a fist in the air at the redhead upon the stage.

"No, you resemble it." Axel shot back, smiling brightly as he continued, one arm crossing over his stomach to rest its hand upon the opposite hip, microphone still head close to his lips. "Actually, you resemble Martha Stewart on drugs, but what's the difference?"

He moved on to the next member, continuing. "And Demyx, man, are you serious about that mullet? Don't you know what decade it is? I'll give you a hint: Motor Ed? He's rolling in his grave right now." Axel nodded as he said the last parts with a polite smile, clearly meaning to rile the sitar player more than his expression displayed he did.

"Said the red version of Sonic the Hedgehog." Larxene cut in from the front of the audience, receiving a chuckle from the crowd. Axel, however, didn't appear very bothered by this. Instead, he was smiling intently down at her.

"Said the woman who looks like a bug, and speaking of women..Marluxia's little boyfriend Vexen. He's a complete child molestor, and we all know it. So why hasn't he been booted from the Organization yet? Oh, that's right; because he's not a Senator and we aren't a fair government. Come to think of it, we aren't even fair. We're cheap on a lot of things, and nobody's cheaper than Larxene."

The woman puffed her chest indignantly, glaring daggers at the green-eyed Nobody, but remained silent as she continued seething.

"She's probably the cheapest member the Organization has. I mean, where else can you find a whore for a hay penny? Then, we have Saix. What a fairy; he may act scary and berserkerly, but have you ever seen him on sugar? It's a scarier sight than having him coming at you snarling and waving that thing around. That guy can pack it away; I'm just surprised he hasn't flattened Xemnas yet."

"Everyone knows our 'fearless leader' is the top in that relationship, Axel, so don't even try to pull the wool over our eyes." groaned Luxord. "We all know better."

"Last time I checked your room wasn't the one directly beneath theirs. I see all, I know all, but more disturbingly, I'm stuck hearing all." replied Axel curtly with a waggle of his eyebrows suggestively. "If you know what I mean."

Everyone was silent for a bit. That was really a bit more information than they needed...However, Axel continued in his comments on this train of thought, seeming to have no issues with doing so. After all, he had to suffer hearing all of it as it happened, so it wasn't even fractionally as bad to talk about it as it was to be forced to listen to it every night.

"It's basically a disfunctional sex relationship, y'know?" With this, he cleared his throat and when he spoke again, his voice had taken on a slight similarity to that of Xemnas. Pausing his steps across the stage, Axel turned to face the audience completely and his arms wound around himself in a mock embrace, choking out, "H'aaah, nnnn, ngh-- Sai- ouch! Dammit, Saix, not so hard!" Clearing his throat again, he spoke once more and this time his voice mimiced Saix's. "Little- bit more,- Superior!"

Most of the audience was green with sickness before the pyromaniac had even gotten half way to this point, and seemed as though to move would mean to forfit the dinner they'd eaten earlier. Saix and Xemnas were the only two exceptions to this, as Saix was grinning wolfishly to his side where Xemnas sat dumbstruck and flushed with a mixture of embarrassment and rage.

Removing his arms from across his body, Axel coughed and then said in his own voice again, "Then, there's Luxord. Mister Big And Bad With Cards. He never loses a card game, does he, folks?"

A somewhat annoyed, resounding "No!" rang through the room in response to the question, causing Luxord's straight face to become a smirk of pride as he drew himself up and crossed his arms over his chest, then leaning back into his chair. Well, he was good at what he did...

"I can tell you why that is right now. You see, Luxord doesn't talk that much, does he? No. When does he usually have something to say? When he's gloating about a victory or when he's making a bet with someone. His secret to always winning? He doesn't bet unless he knows things will work out in his favor; it's the oldest trick in the book, but so many of you morons keep on falling for it! So what's the key to Luxord-Ol'-Boy's success? He cheats. At CARDS of all things. What even is there to win at a game of 'Go Fish'? I mean, come on!"

"I certainly don't cheat!" snarled Luxord, leaping to his feet in outrage. "You have no right to claim I do!"

"Really? Then explain how you manage to top Mister Gun-Crazy He-Man over here every chance you get. You most likely cheated your way to where you're at in the Organization, you cheat in cards and bets, and you probably cheat your way to the top in relationships. I can't blame you though, who'd want to willingly be a cave for explorers? Other than our dear Marluxia and our marvelous leader here, of course!"

Standing to their feet, the Organization, save for Axel, advanced forward a few paces.

"Well," the redhead began, coughing nervously. "I think that's all for tonight." The group snuck a little closer. "Have a great night and drive- put that down Xigbar." he muttered with a forced calm smile as the Nobody raised his weaponry. "Now th- no, no Demyx, don't point that at me. Keep that- AH!"

* * *

_I loved the description Xem posted about the story when he put it up. I'm not THAT bad you know. _

"We all love how she criticizes, warps, and perverts everything her hands touch. Yay, Kara! There are various pairings in this, and it's shonen ai/implicant of yaoi. It's also as funny as hell. PAIRINGS:  
Saixas  
Luxbar  
Veluxia  
Soriku  
Lots of Orgaization XIII member bashing. And, don't hurt either of us...We love almost every member." 


End file.
